but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
