Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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