I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
