I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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