Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
