The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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