I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
