I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize