he was CRYING into my vagina
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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