he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
