Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
