I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
