my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
