I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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