You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
