I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
