she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
