I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
