Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
