Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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