it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
