I can tuck mytits in my pants
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
