I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
