Please, let me fuck your mom
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
