mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
