omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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