I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
