her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
