I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Randomize
