One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My penis needs a shock collar
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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