I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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