God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize