By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
