Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
