okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
