i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize