4 words: hood of his car
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
