I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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