I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
