just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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