Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
