I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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