Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
