we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
