Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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