me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
