I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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