Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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