Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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