Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
