Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you made out with another girl for some wings
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think people are normalizing furries
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
