Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Let's get the cat blown out
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
