I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
