Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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