I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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