i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
