That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
