Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
