I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she told me i tasted like america
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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