so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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