I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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